Payback

‘In this contest, no one gets Nul Points!'

Television pay

Television presenters have been criticised for their ludicrously high pay. Jonathan Ross receives a reported £18 million for a three-year contract, while Jeremy Paxman reputedly earns £3 million a year. The television companies refuse to say how much they pay, so most of the information comes from leaks. To investigate the matter further, we ask four television presenters to interview themselves about their pay packets.

Chris Tarrant

Welcome to the show. Are you feeling nervous?

No, I’m used to it. After all I’m also on Bravo and Dave channels at the moment. What I am doing tonight? Smug comments about Japanese game shows? A celebrity quiz show? Throwing spoons at people?

You’re being interviewed about your pay. So just relax. Now the first question is: ‘How much does Chris Tarrant earn?’ is it a) £1m a year; b) £2m a year; c) £3m a year or d) £4m a year.

That’s a tough one. My accountant deals with that.

Now take your time. You can go 50-50, ask the audience or phone a friend.

I haven’t got any. I threw spoons at them all. I think I’ll take the money, Chris.

Is that your final answer?

Yes. It’s my final answer.

Let’s give a big hand-out to Chris Tarrant who walks away with three million pounds. Your wife was looking . . . um, she seems to be looking for someone else, actually. Anyway I can tell you that if you had answered d) you would still be earning less than Jonathan Ross.


Jonathan Ross

My next guest is a famous celebrity who appears on every programme. Please welcome Jonathan Ross. Now Jonathan, what’s all this we hear about you getting six million quid a year for doing next to nothing?

Jonathan, it’s not me. It’s just the big knobs at the BBC think I’m worth it.

It didn’t take long to get a knob joke in, did it? [Cut to standard shot of four blokes standing round a piano and applauding wildly.]

Never mind that, I’m here to plug whatever I am doing next.

And what is that?

I don’t know, my agent hasn’t told me. I think it’s something to do with chatting under a shaggy pile of hair and making knob jokes.

Well that’s real talent for you. It’s been great having you on the programme and every other one. Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Woss.


Jeremy Paxman

Mr Paxman. Are you worth three million pounds a year?

The point here, Jeremy is that. . .

It’s a simple enough question. Are you or are you not worth. . .

There is an issue here about value for money. You need to. . .

I must insist. Are you or are you not worth three. . .

The answer to my question is that we need to. . .

Are you or are you not worth three mill. . .

I have tried to explain but you keep interrup. . .

Let me try again. Are you worth three million pounds a . . .

I think I have already answered that.

Thanks for coming along.


Terry Wogan

Hello Tel my old mate. How are you doing these days?

Yours truly is doing very well, thanks.

Now Tel, my pal, what are you doing these days?

Oh I’m keeping busy. Hard at work sitting on sofas, looking smug and talking about nothing. And, of course, the Eurovision song contest keeps me busy for much of the year.

But Tel, my dear friend. It’s only on once a year.

Yes I know, but I have to spend a year thinking up witty remarks about Finland’s entry, by repeating what I have said for the last 30 years.

Now Tel, you know that everyone admires you for your wit. This year you said ‘Finland’s entry is awful’. This is almost certainly the funniest and wittiest comment made on television since William the Conqueror. Now tell us, because the whole country is desperate to know, was this piece of hilarious wit thought up in advance or was it on the spur of the moment?

That was thought up on the spur of the moment by my scriptwriter the previous week.

Well that’s amazing. This is the stuff of headline news. Why worry about the credit crunch when we have a real exclusive like this? Now let me ask, is it true you earn five million a year?

Ah now that would be telling! And they don’t call me Tel for nothing.

Well it’s been a great honour to have you on the programme. Ladies and gentleman, the most clever, intelligent, kind, respected, witty and modest person who has ever lived on the planet — Lord Terry Wogan!


Robert Leach
(Who gets rather less than three million a year from Payroll World )


Payroll World July 2008