Payback

Lord Alan of Microchip gives his panelists a testing time

Television politics

Sir Alan Sugar has been a successful TV celeb to such an extent that he has won a peerage and more TV appearances. Robert Leach takes a look at the latest in entertainment: civil service panel games

Much publicity has been given to Sir Alan Sugar’s ennoblement and appointment as a Government adviser on enterprise. Sir Alan founded Amstrad which made cheap electronic goods and then lost most of his value. He now earns his money from trading property and from The Apprentice where his human resources skills would almost certainly land him before an employment tribunal in real life. In one way Sir Alan, or Lord Alan of Microchip (or whatever name he chooses), is a perfect choice for a Government adviser, in making a successful career from what was left of a once-successful career. He could advise Gordon Brown to give up prime ministering (and save the electorate from doing so), and take up character acting for Charles Dickens adaptations.

However even Sir Alan is not the most blatant recent example of trying to get some celebrity into central Government. Incredibly the Government is launching a programme called Lion’s Lair, according to The Times. This is modelled on the television programme Dragons’ Den when innovators have their life’s work rubbished by five more fortunate people.

Lion’s Lair even has Peter Jones, one of the dragons, on its panel.

About 400 civil servants have prepared ideas for possible public sector reform, such as saving public money. Of these 12 have been selected to present their pitch before Peter Jones and four others. The result is to be shown for possible broadcast in July. In a prototype last year, successful innovations included watersaving devices in Whitehall cisterns and a means of calculating benefit arrears more accurately. There are no prizes as such for winning, other than the satisfaction from seeing the idea adopted.

The proposal begs several questions, such as why this sort of peer group review is not happening all the time anyway. Second, if there are 400 ideas for improving public services, why are not all 400 being considered? Third, what does the glitz of a pseudo-TV programme add to the process?

Still, if the Government really believes in civil service by panel games, here are a few more ideas:
Immigrant Fortunes
An out-of-work comedian (perhaps Ken Livingstone or Charles Kennedy) introduces a format in which would-be immigrants guess answers provided by the audience. An example would be ‘name a traditional British meal’ the person says ‘roast beef’ and the compere says ‘that scores 3 points, the top answer from our panel of 100 people was chicken vindaloo’.

The second person is then asked the same question and is bleeped if he gives the same answer. For a top answer, they get a special prize of 10 points added to their council house application.

Britain’s got talent
Cabinet ministers audition before a panel of three acerbic judges, such as the Parliamentary Ombudsman. They would come out with facetious remarks like, ‘Alistair Darling, you’re no acrobat. You can’t balance or juggle to save your life.’ Jacqui Smith would fail a memory test on questions such as ‘what did you put on your expense claim?’ or ‘where does your husband live and what TV programmes does he watch?’ Whoever is the health secretary could do a stand-up comedy routine on how much we have spent on hospitals and our plans for the NHS.

Deal or No Deal
Banks could bid for bailout sums hidden from view in boxes. They receive a call from the Bank of England offering them a sum not to take what is in the box. The whole thing will be completely incomprehensible to the audience.

Mastermind
Intelligent members of the Government would answer questions on specialist subjects and then general knowledge. However I can see a practical problem with this programme, as indicated by the words ‘intelligent members’.

Leighbours
A soap opera based on a political party. Each episode contains intrigue as the former friends plot against each other and squabble about nothing, resisting all efforts at reconciliation. In the end even Sinn Fein and the Israeli Government give up on them.

The Bill
A cops-and-robbers tale of police trying to catch politicians. The title refers to what the taxpayer must pay. The Royal Another soap opera about the tribulations of a Prince running a Palace, such as being 60 years old and still with no sight of taking the throne.


Robert Leach (available for TV consultancy work)

Payroll World July 2009